Monday, October 28, 2013

Hallowe'en Humor

And now for the really zany—but, for the most part, marvelously ingenious!—Halloween riddles, puzzles and puns (oh my!):
What do baby ghosts wear on Halloween? White Pillowcases.
Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers? No, they eat the fingers separately.
Where do fashionable ghosts shop for sheets? [This one is so bad that it's actually quite good!] Bootiques.
What do you call someone who puts poison in a person's corn flakes? A cereal killer.
What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman? Frostbite.
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire? A fur coat that fangs around your neck.
What does a vampire never order at a restaurant? A stake sandwich.
What do you call a witch in the desert? A sandwitch.
What does a vampire fear the most? Tooth decay.
Where did the vampire open his savings account? At a blood bank.
Who do vampires buy their cookies from?  The Ghoul Scouts
What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost? Bamboo.
What do you get when you drop a pumpkin? Squash [!].
What do you call a fat Jack-O-Lantern? A plumpkin.
What do you call a ghost with a broken leg? A hoblin goblin.
Why wasn't there any food left after the monster party? Because everyone was a goblin!
What does a skeleton order at a restaurant? Spare ribs.
Why should a skeleton drink 10 glasses of milk a day? It's good for the bones.Why don't skeletons like parties? They have no body to dance with.
Why did the witches' team lose the baseball game? Their bats flew away.
How does a witch tell time?  She looks at her witch watch.
What was the witch's favorite subject in school? Spelling.
What's the problem with twin witches?  You never know which witch is which.
What do ghosts serve for dessert? Ice Scream.
What did the mommy ghost say to the baby ghost? Don't spook until you're spoken to.
What did the mummy say to the detective? Let's wrap this case up.
What does the papa ghost say to his family when driving? Fasten your sheet belts.
What is a ghoul's favorite flavor? Lemon-slime.
What's a monster's favorite play? Romeo and Ghouliet. [See?--they're much more romantic than you'd guess.]
What's a haunted chicken? A poultry-geist.
What happened to the guy who couldn't keep up payments to his exorcist? He got repossessed.
What is a vampire's favorite holiday? Fangsgiving.What is a vampire's favorite sport? Casketball.
What kind of streets do zombies like the best? Dead ends.
Who did Frankenstein take to the prom? His ghoul friend.
Why did the skeleton cross the road? To go to the body shop.
When does a skeleton laugh? When something tickles his funny bone.
What did the skeleton say to the bartender? I'll have two beers and a mop. [This is one of my very favorites—such a considerate skeleton!]
Where does Count Dracula usually eat his lunch? At the casketeria.
Who does Dracula get letters from? His fang club.
What has webbed feet, feathers, fangs and goes quack-quack? Count Duckula.
What do birds give out on Halloween night? Tweets. [And if you like, you're certainly free to "tweet" this whole collection!]
What do you call two spiders that just got married? Newlywebbed.
What do Italians eat on Halloween? Fettucinni Afraid-o.
What's it like to be kissed by a vampire? It's a pain in the neck.
How does a ghost say goodbye to a vampire? So long, sucker!
What do you call a witch's garage? A broom closet.
What do you give to a pumpkin trying to quit smoking? A pumpkin patch. [A toast to Linus here, please.]
How do monsters tell their future? They read their horrorscope.
How are vampires like false teeth? They both come out at night.
What's a vampire's favorite fruit? A necktarine
What is a vampire's favorite ice cream flavor? Veinilla.
What did the three vampires order at the bar? Two bloods and a blood light. [!!]
Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist? To improve his bite.
Who are some of the werewolves cousins? The whatwolves, the whowolves, and the whenwolves. [This is a no-brainer, right?!]
Why are most monsters covered in wrinkles? Have you ever tried to iron a monster?
Why do mummies have so much trouble keeping friends? They're too wrapped up in themselves.
Why don't mummies take vacations? They're afraid they'll relax and unwind.
[On the other hand] Where do mummies go for a swim? The dead sea.
Why do mummies make excellent spies? They're good at keeping things under wraps.
Why did the ghost go into the bar? For the Boos.
Why do ghosts like to ride elevators? It raises their spirits.
What's the favorite game at ghosts' birthday parties? Hide and Shriek.
Why did the game warden arrest the ghost? He didn't have a haunting license. [I assume the game warden must have been a ghost himself!]
What kind of monster is safe to put in a washing machine? A wash and wear wolf.
What do you get when you cross a black cat with a lemon. A sour-puss.
What do you get when you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter? Pumpkin Pi.
What do skeletons say before they begin dining? Bone appetit!
What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog? He is mist.
Why don't angry witches ride their brooms? They're afraid of flying off the handle.
Who won the skeleton beauty contest? No body.
Where do baby ghosts go during the day? Dayscare centers.
And lastly,

What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house? [really, think about this one very carefully] . . . Hope that it's Halloween (!!!).

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